New Mexico Chili Cook off
>
>
>
> If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
> for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
> paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
>
> If you pay attention to the first two judges, The reaction of the third
> judge is even better.
>
> For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this
> is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
> around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza ..
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Greg, who was visiting
> from Springfield , IL .
>
> Greg: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened
> to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the
> Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
> judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> accepted and became Judge #3.'
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick..
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 -- Holy crap, what the hel1 is this stuff? You could remove
> dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
> hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
> saw the look on my face.
>
>
> CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> more beer before I ignite . Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of
the
> beer.
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
> was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.. Woman is starting
> to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
> will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
> cone.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
> least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
> breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
> If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
> stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
> out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
> if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to
> really hot chili?
> Judge # 3 -- No report.
Okay-Delete this if you feel you need to but read it first. My idiot sister sent it to me. She is 70 and crazier than I.
