What to do?

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Scioto

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For some time now, the wife has wanted to move back to Northern Virginia. That's where she's from. Two of my daughters feel the same way. We moved to TN six years ago. I love it. They don't. They miss friends and family and living here hasn't worked out well for them. And frankly, some of the "friends" they made here turned out to be not so nice of people. In fact, very vindictive and mean. It has nothing to do with TN. There are vindictive and mean people everywhere. I think my son, my youngest, really likes it here too. I fear for how a move back would be disruptive for him. But maybe he would be on board with it if he knew his mom and sisters wanted to do it. Neither my wife nor I have broached the subject with him, but that time is coming soon. My youngest teenage daughter really wants to move back, but I think it is best for her to stay here in the private school that she really likes, but she still wants to move back. A lot of negative things have happened to my wife and daughters since moving to TN. Most have nothing to do with TN, some do.

It has really impacted my marriage negatively. I feel like I'm in a real catch 22 situation. I made my list of pros and cons about moving back to the Capitol region, and although there are some distinct advantages to doing so, my cons outweigh the pros.

I have more thinking to do, more praying to do. But do I move back knowing that it is most likely the wrong decision, from a logical and financial standpoint, or do I insist on remaining in TN knowing it could very well end my marriage?
 
shirtshirt

shirtshirt

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Sounds like a very difficult decision with some very serious consequences.

My vote would be move. If it would seriously end your marriage it shouldn’t be worth it to stay. If that makes you think “eh...i don’t care one way or the other.” then your primary issue isn’t likely to be location.
 
SilverFox

SilverFox

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Good luck. My wife is also from northern VA... the Haymarket-Manassas area. I don't know what I'd do if she wanted to move up there. I just don't see any way I could possibly live in that area being from the south. I could maybe live in the southern end of VA but even that would be difficult.
 
GreyGoose

GreyGoose

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I feel its not my place to give an opinion but i do Hope it works out for you and your family.
 
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pass-thru

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Sounds like your wife and least one of your daughters is miserable. How can that me given appropriate weight in terms of pros and cons? Do what's best for the marriage. And maybe consider other places than exactly where you came from
 
rem270

rem270

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Sounds like a tough decision. Don't know what kind of advice to even offer so I wish you well on your decisions.
 
fairchaser

fairchaser

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It’s not my place to give any opinion about a move but I suggest that you make a choice silently and then see after some time how it feels. If you have peace then you know it’s the right choice and you can move ahead without regret.
 
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poorhunter

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You need to lead your wife with grace and understanding...but you need to lead her. Find out her reasons to leave and her reasons not to stay. Lead her with grace and understanding. Lead her in such a way that she trusts you and your leadership, that she KNOWS your love and care for her in ALL areas of your marriage and life together. This is hard hard work for men, but it is what God expects out of men. It takes time it takes commitment it takes WORK WORK WORK. If you’re not willing to do it, then your marriage may not make it anyway if you stay. I believe if you’re willing to do the work necessary to lead your wife with grace and understanding that your wife will reward you with such love and respect and devotion that the thought of leaving wouldn’t even be a part of her thinking, and your children will witness it all.
 
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poorhunter

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poorhunter":1c9emo46 said:
You need to lead your wife with grace and understanding...but you need to lead her. Find out her reasons to leave and her reasons not to stay. Lead her with grace and understanding. Lead her in such a way that she trusts you and your leadership, that she KNOWS your love and care for her in ALL areas of your marriage and life together. This is hard hard work for men, but it is what God expects out of men. It takes time it takes commitment it takes WORK WORK WORK. If you’re not willing to do it, then your marriage may not make it anyway if you stay. I believe if you’re willing to do the work necessary to lead your wife with grace and understanding that your wife will reward you with such love and respect and devotion that the thought of leaving wouldn’t even be a part of her thinking, and your children will witness it all.

This in no way implies that you aren’t already doing this...not accusing you or anything.
 
Nimrod777

Nimrod777

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Personally, I can't think of many, or ANY things I would do in exchange for my marriage. As kids go, they're resilient, and will generally handle those big changes just fine. One of your biggest difficulties may be coming up with a truly honest Pro/Con list that isn't strongly reflective of your personal preferences; one way to do it is to do it as a family.
 
ImThere

ImThere

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It’s easy to me. There’s not anything I wouldn’t give up for my wife at the drop of a hat even if that meant moving back to California. I would rather be broke and happy with my wife than have money and be lonely.


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winchester77jj

winchester77jj

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Not to make light of the situation but dad’s old adage “you can be happy or you can be right, but you won’t be both very often” comes to mind. I’m with imthere. My wife is a Cali girl and I would pack up tonight if it meant saving my marriage. Not to say I wouldn’t do a lot of soul searching and have hours of deep conversation to make sure we needed to. But when the rubber meets the road, that’s where I would make my call. Just my opinion man. I hope things get easier for you.


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Mike Belt

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Tough decision. All I can suggest is if it's mostly based on finances... money's nice but it isn't a cure all. If a move results in less income as long as your financial obligations are still met and it doesn't place your family in financial jeopardy moving back could be a consideration.
 
Snake

Snake

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If your a God fearing man and your wife is a God fearing woman then I would enter into a really intense prayer session together not that you haven't . God knows the right path . Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:5‭-‬6 KJV . I will also pray for you and your family in an agreement for an answer .
 
S

Scioto

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winchester77jj":2znr43g7 said:
Not to make light of the situation but dad’s old adage “you can be happy or you can be right, but you won’t be both very often” comes to mind. I’m with imthere. My wife is a Cali girl and I would pack up tonight if it meant saving my marriage. Not to say I wouldn’t do a lot of soul searching and have hours of deep conversation to make sure we needed to. But when the rubber meets the road, that’s where I would make my call. Just my opinion man. I hope things get easier for you.


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I want to thank everyone for all of your thoughts, advice, and prayers. I love her. Really weighing on me though. Winchester 77jj, your Dad’s adage really resonates with me, as did many of the comments.
 
cbhunter

cbhunter

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Best I can do is wish you and your family the best. It sure sounds like a tough situation.


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TNRazorback

TNRazorback

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If your wife is a good and loving woman (sadly, some honestly aren’t), do what you must to protect her and your family. That said, the world has changed a lot since you moved from Virginia, and not for the better. Everybody now has an electronic device within reach 24/7 and many are constantly tethered to social media, which invites discord. There’s a good chance that the troubles found in Tennessee would have also surfaced in Virginia, and would now upon a return.
 

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