Blending Families

BigRod

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Who here as done it? My second marriage I had a step son, it was difficult to say the least. He did no wrong in his mom's eyes, I wasnt allowed to say anything about her son, but she felt like she could about mine, (even after we divorced, she still wanted to try and tell me how I was to punish mine) Definitely a slippy slop, that left impacts on me, my first son, well everyone.

What advice would you offer? Both to the parents and the kids?
 

Snake

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Can't give any advice unfortunately all of ours are mine ! It's hard thing to have step siblings and children this I can testify to our life growing up . Treating everyone fairly should be a given IMO .
 

Hduke86

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BigRod I have no advice at all, but I have seen what you’re talking about and I have seen the total opposite in which the blended family was extremely grateful for one another. All I can say is if you’re or anyone is dating someone with children and thinking about marriage to pay close attention to that kind of thing in the dating phase for a long time and if they don’t love and treat your children like they gave birth to them then send them packing
 

Pilchard

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No experience and I hope I never get the chance. But if I was in the situation, I would hope that my other half and I would talk about all of this before we said "I Do" and perhaps avoid some of this conflict in the future.
 

TNGunsmoke

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I've done it twice. Once with 2nd ex wife, and once with current wife. Plus I have a child with the 2nd ex in addition. 2nd ex's child is just like her mother, but I'm the only father she's ever known. She was under 2 when her mother and I married, and I participated with raising her as if she were my own. She is basically in her own little world, and I rarely hear from her. Current wife's son was 10 when his mom and I married. We have a really good relationship, and I'm the father he needed. I didn't interfere too much with the way his mom handled things, but if he was outta line, I got him alone and would quietly talk to him to check his attitude as a teenager. Most of the time, his mom never knew I had said anything to him. My own daughter is about the same as the stepson, and we have a great relationship, and she has a great one with my wife.

Best advice I can give is not to push too hard. And with my son, the best way to handle him was the way I did it, quietly, and in his ear so no one heard what I was telling him except he and I. I would tell my wife about it later if I needed to, but I didn't have to physically discipline him but once, and that was just a drag him outta bed after he uttered the words "Make me" when he was told to get up(typical teenage boy response). Just enough to make a believer outta him that I was capable of it.
 

Pilchard

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I will say that my "ex" step-dad is someone I love, respect and look up to even after he and my mom split. I was actually just visiting him and hew new wife in New England a couple weeks ago. He was and still is all of the good things that my biological father was not. He treats my son as his own grandson and has been generous with his time even though he never had to be after he and my mom divorced.
 

Gravey

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TNGunsmoke said some good points. My wife and I are coming up on our 3 year anniversary in October. My kids were 18 & 15 when we married and her son was 11 (21 & 18 now and 14 this month). We dated 2 years and said early on if we didn’t jive with the others kids that was a deal breaker. My kids were a little older and love her and her son and I have a good relationship. It is tricky though and I let her do the heavy disciplining with him and then I’ll support her so he sees it. Its not the kids fault and the main thing is both of you have to be in agreement or it will never work.
 

BigRod

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Thank you all for the replies. I'm not saying i'm running out and getting married tomorrow, next week, or even if I do. I guess I was curious about how do you make it work, questions of also, do you spend the rest of your life single, because of kids in the mix? I can truly understand the kids concerns in the matter. I had a step father that was a real tool! I even went to jail over him after my mother passed. Long story!!! I would never be that Step father, nor would I want my partner to be that Step mother. I think we as humans are meant not to do life alone, but how do you make it work for all involved?
 

Midnight rider

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We have 6 kids, 3boys and 3girls. The Brady Bunch, boys mine, girls hers. I had a stepdad that taught me how not to favor mine or hers. As soon as my wife or I started any unfairness we immediately let the other know and as the old saying goes "nip it in the butt", so that it ended as soon as it started. Been married 21 years now and all the kids feel like we are a natural family.
 

1 good shot

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I ended up refusing to date women with kids. I would get more attached to the kids than the mother. When things would go bad, I felt really bad for the kids.
It was usually the ex inlaws that caused the problems
 

TNGunsmoke

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We have 6 kids, 3boys and 3girls. The Brady Bunch, boys mine, girls hers. I had a stepdad that taught me how not to favor mine or hers. As soon as my wife or I started any unfairness we immediately let the other know and as the old saying goes "nip it in the butt", so that it ended as soon as it started. Been married 21 years now and all the kids feel like we are a natural family.
Just to add here, if you do notice any unfairness, you and the spouse address it privately, not in front of the kids. Kids will be kids, and if they think there is anything less than a united front between the parents, they will try to use it.
 

Snake

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Thank you all for the replies. I'm not saying i'm running out and getting married tomorrow, next week, or even if I do. I guess I was curious about how do you make it work, questions of also, do you spend the rest of your life single, because of kids in the mix? I can truly understand the kids concerns in the matter. I had a step father that was a real tool! I even went to jail over him after my mother passed. Long story!!! I would never be that Step father, nor would I want my partner to be that Step mother. I think we as humans are meant not to do life alone, but how do you make it work for all involved?
Stay single its cheaper .
 

Hduke86

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We have 6 kids, 3boys and 3girls. The Brady Bunch, boys mine, girls hers. I had a stepdad that taught me how not to favor mine or hers. As soon as my wife or I started any unfairness we immediately let the other know and as the old saying goes "nip it in the butt", so that it ended as soon as it started. Been married 21 years now and all the kids feel like we are a natural family.
Well done sir, 6 kids are a handful anyways but toss in the Brady bunch situation and its a whole different ballgame
 

akachuck

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Take the blame when your in the wrong and have priorities figured out before the next one. Not saying that it’ll help with both side of the kids but just my 2 cents
 

huntintn

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I have 4 sons, 3 are my wifes natural 1 is mine. Only steps at our house come up to the porch. I treat all sons equally, and explained to my wife that she would too. Had a couple of episodes early on but a experiment of me loading all my stuff and moving out for a month convinced her I wasn't bluffing. Any time you say "I do" it means her and all her baggage same as yours. The saying love me, love my kid lives in my home. Their not perfect, but their not felons either. Alot of animosity comes from jealousy because the child ties you to your ex. If I wanted the ex she wouldn't be a ex. How do the kids get along, mine would fight a d die for any of their brothers.
 

JeepKuntry

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Clinton, TN
Well you know from my facebook that my girlfriend has 2 kids. We talked early on how important it was for our kids to get along, and how we would discipline. We are still in the phase of bringing the problem to the biological parent but both my girls know that if they act out, that she can discipline them as well and that they need to mind. Sounds like your relationship is progressing well. I knew after the first date with my girlfriend why my marriage failed. Weird saying this but I know right now she's the one. I have no doubts whatsoever. If I want a prenup no problem. I never wondered and messaged with my ex, there were days when we rarely talked. I told her she chose her job over her family years ago. I had to play let's make a deal just to get out of the house.
 
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