30 things you'll never hear a woman say:

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper, too. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

3. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

4. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

5. Bar food again!? Cool!

6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

8. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

9. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

10. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

11. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare behind.

12. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

13. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

14. Dang! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

15. You are so much smarter than my father.

16. If we're not going to make love, then you have to let me watch football.

17. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

18. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

19. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

20. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

21. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

22. I'll be out painting the house.

23. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.

24. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing nude again, come see!

25. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

26. Your mother is way better than mine.

27. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.

28. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire?

29. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

30. Look! My butt is fatter than yours.