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#3135844 - 01/23/13 10:33 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: Crow Terminator]
TAFKAP
14 Point


Registered: 11/06/09
Posts: 9772
Loc: Memphis

Offline
 Originally Posted By: Crow Terminator
Wow...sorry guys and gals but I am just at a loss. Gonna vent a little.

So here's the scoop. My mother inlaw and father inlaw are retired. My brother inlaw and sister inlaw live on the property right beside one another...they don't own the land, just live there. BIL and SIL have two young uns...oldest one just turned 5 and the youngest is 2. Both of them work good paying jobs; well in my book they do...both rake in about $60k-70k a year, a piece. They don't have a baby sitter that they pay...MIL keeps the kids while they work, and they basically use her as a freebie baby sitter; they provide the diapers and such for the youngest one and a little for food.

MIL had hip replacement surgery this week on Monday. She is going to be out of commission for a while until she is back on her feet. This is where this all begins. So now, my BIL and SIL don't have a sitter and on top of that, there is a big fight over what to do about the MIL situation. As in who is going to care for her while she is at home. My wife and I don't have kids; we don't have high paying jobs at all. Both of us COMBINED, don't even make $50k a year. It's all we can do sometimes, to get us through to the next pay check. We haven't had a vacation in 3+ yrs because of not having enough $$ to go...where as they go on cruises, go to places like Myrtle Beach, etc about twice a year. I use freebie WiFi internet at places for the internet; and have been trying our best to get out of debt so we can breathe a bit. We went in the hole big early on after getting married, and got in over our heads via taking out loans to make ends meet. We did everything on our own; didn't want to leech off anybody and are just now starting to get our noses above the water.

But last night this all came to a big heated discussion about the care of the MIL and such. We were told by the BIL and SIL that we (wife and I) needed to be the ones to do all of it, because "you guys don't have kids and we do". We were told that we need to tell our places of work to "shove it" and quit so that we can take care of MIL til she's better, and also baby sit their kids for them while THEY work because they don't have anybody to do it. I could not believe what I was hearing. They are also fit to be tied that we are going on a mini vacation in February to Florida; just for 3 days. We've been saving extra dollars just to be able to do it for a while now and we're going whether they like it or not. I just couldn't believe the audacity of folks. It's like they are saying they are better than us because they have higher paying jobs and kids, and that we are the expendable ones, and that our purpose here on earth is to make life easier for them. What's bad is...this is just getting started. It is the most drama oriented family I have ever came in contact with. Sorry had to vent a little.


In just about anyone's eyes, they have good paying jobs. However, none of that really should come into direct "first consideration" play. MIL is mother to both your spouses, and an equitable arrangement should be made. They should sacrifice equally as you....I have no advice as to the proper way to achieve this, but it chaps my arse that people find themselves more entitled than the other when it comes to caring for older family members. I wish you the best in this difficult situation.

But, by the way you tell it, it seems to me that they aren't footing much of the responsibility.
_________________________
Everything important in life was learned from Mary Jo Kopechne.

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#3135855 - 01/23/13 10:40 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: TAFKAP]
Rebel
TnDeer Old Timer
12 Point


Registered: 03/16/99
Posts: 5391
Loc: East Tennessee USA

Offline
I would suggest to them that she's their mother not yours and it's not mother-in-law's responsibility to watch their kids. Furthermore, they should consider taking fewer vacations and spend some of that vacation money on taking care of mom and baby sitting.
_________________________
Good night Chesty, wherever you are!

Tolerance is a virtue of those who believe in nothing.

Deo Vindice

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#3135858 - 01/23/13 10:43 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: Grizzly Johnson]
Hangnail
14 Point


Registered: 11/30/00
Posts: 7511
Loc: Murfreesboro, TN

Offline
Man. I don't know where to start. Having been married to a woman for 25 years that couldn't manage to keep her family out of our business, take this opportunity to get anything off of your chest that you'd like them to know. As bad as that sounds, it might head off any blowups later. If something stupid is brought up in the future, all you have to do is refer them to the day you cleared your mind.

I'd be sure to tell them that you aren't responsible for their kids and your inlaws aren't either, they should have been paying rent to Mom and Pop from the start and enjoy the horrors of interviewing sitters like most of America has to do periodically.

I know that you know all of this, but it makes me feel better just typing it. Good luck

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#3135870 - 01/23/13 10:49 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: Hangnail]
MUP
Non-Typical


Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 46122
Loc: Just North of Chatt-town

Offline
Quick, have some kids! That'll solve the issue and put you both on equal footing! ;\) Just kiddin CT. That's a tough pill to swallow, but, on the other hand, I wouldn't dare bow down to that kind of mentality. I do believe that they are a little more responsible for their own mother than the in-laws should be for sure, but fair and equitable management of her care would be the best for her, and for all involved.
_________________________
MUP

Amateurs: Built the Ark

Professionals: Built the Titanic

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#3135889 - 01/23/13 11:04 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: MUP]
jameseboy
8 Point


Registered: 10/02/03
Posts: 1774
Loc: Germantown, TN

Offline
Just say no...no explanations no guilt no discussion...just no.
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#3135896 - 01/23/13 11:10 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: MUP]
Crow Terminator
TnDeer Old Timer
14 Point


Registered: 10/23/99
Posts: 9019
Loc: McMinn County

Offline
I think we (Tndeer folk) would all get along well around a campfire. Feels good to hear from y'all on this subject. MIL saw it coming prior to surgery and already arranged to have the nursing home/rehabilitation center take care of her for the initial few weeks after she gets out of the hospital. We kinda got into it then over whether she needs to go there or come home. My wife and I felt like the rehabilitation place could better serve her in those weeks ahead due to them being able to provide 24/7 care and plus, she would be more apt to doing her excercises there, vs us trying to get her to do them at home. But the BIL and SIL don't like that. It's not like were stuffing her in a home to die....she's still in very good health. Life is one big drama filled thing with them. I swear, when things finally settle down, they conjure up stuff just to get something else going.
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#3135901 - 01/23/13 11:16 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: Crow Terminator]
Hangnail
14 Point


Registered: 11/30/00
Posts: 7511
Loc: Murfreesboro, TN

Offline
Let me guess and say that your wife is the younger of the two siblings?
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#3135906 - 01/23/13 11:20 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: Hangnail]
TAFKAP
14 Point


Registered: 11/06/09
Posts: 9772
Loc: Memphis

Offline
Unless any of you are qualified rehabilitation specialists and RN's, the rehab facility will be her best bet....so long as it's not a dumpy place. Orthopaedic surgery recovery is very hard, especially for a major joint like a hip. As lazy as they seem to be, it won't be 2 days before they're done with the care and ready for someone else to take over. If they're the ones insisting on a different treatment option, it should be their responsibility to step up.

But since Mom is quite capable of making her own decisions, I would highly encourage her to take the rehab route. She's probably just as anxious for a break from them as you are.
_________________________
Everything important in life was learned from Mary Jo Kopechne.

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#3135919 - 01/23/13 11:26 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: Hangnail]
farmin68
16 Point


Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 13847
Loc: In a tree clinging to my guns ...

Offline
This is a defining moment for your relationship (and apparently pecking order) with your wife's family AND, more importantly, with your marriage.

Times like this separate mature, hard-working, responsible, morally upright adults from the Jerry Springer fan club.

Stand your ground and tell them how sorry, selfish, and self-centered they are in a civil manner. You can do it without burning bridges. However, if they don't like it, they can go pound sand or pee up a rope.


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#3135936 - 01/23/13 11:47 AM Re: Can't believe what we were told! [Re: farmin68]
Crow Terminator
TnDeer Old Timer
14 Point


Registered: 10/23/99
Posts: 9019
Loc: McMinn County

Offline
Yep, wife is the younger of the two. MIL worked and retired from the rehabilitation place she is wanting to go to. She was a receptionist there for 20+ yrs. She's still well in her mind and health, but just had a bad hip...her hip and bad diabetes led to early retirement and disability. At any rate, the only one of with any kind of background in health care is my SIL who currently works in hospice care...my wife worked at an animal clinic for a few yrs. My only background in it is warming chicken noodle soup, and going to pick up meds from the pharmacy. All I know is...it's gonna be a fun time the next few months or so.
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