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#1380508 - 06/24/09 05:56 AM Just for Grins and Giggles

Registered: 08/31/02
Posts: 42314
Loc: Lebanon,TN USA

This hit the streett his morning so I can rn it here. Shows you what happens when you go deaf and have a lot of time on your hands.

Reality Show and How I’ll Make a Fortune.

My wife likes to watch reality shows on television. That opening sentence should give you an idea of just how slow the outdoor activity is this week.
But Jeanne watches things like Degenerate Housewives of New jersey and Don’t Tell Me I Can’t Dance and Ice Road Truckers . Now I admit I like Most Dangerous Catch. But Swamp Loggers????
So I had this idea for a reality show that will make me millions. SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FISH?
Just think of how many millions there are out who think they can fish. You charge $10 just to tryout. We’ll hold tryouts in places like Chugwater, WY, Painted Rock, PA, Mason City, IL and of course, right in the backyard at Watertown. Possible contestants will be asked a bunch of questions by our panel of judges.
And that brings us to the most important part of the show-selecting the judges. Obviously we have to have at least one with a British accent. So we get the British carp fishing champion, Nigel Angushire. He has never caught a bass but is an expert at niggling wiggling with a 12-foot pole and maggots for carp.
Of course, we have to have one legitimate judge. I thought of either Roland Martin or Jimmy Houston but I want people to watch the show. So Bill Dance was my pick. And of course the third judge was easy. I had to go with Butch Cassidy, the famed female angler from Arkansas. She has a worse laugh than Jimmy Houston and will kiss any fish she catches. Come to think of it, she may be related to Jimmy. They have identical haircuts. But anyway.
After we have eliminated the obvious losers and narrowed the field down to four, we get serious. Since Ranger Boats bought the bullet, we talk Earl Benz into donating five identical Triton boats. That way he can write them off his taxes. Each angler will be allowed two rods and one tackle box. And five gallons of gas. However, they are not told how many miles per gallon the boat motor gets. That’s just another element of surprise. Now as to our finalists.
James From Ames-an Iowa contestant of unspecified sexual proclivity, complete with several body piercings and a penchant for fishing muddy water leads the field. Next in line is Big Red from Waitensee, AL. He is a bit of a Larry The Cable Guy but really a good fisherman. Then we have Joe DePro who comes complete with a shirt full of sponsor patches and has perfected the Ichanelli rod throw, flag kick and scream. Could be ‘rhoid rage. Rounding out the field is the only female angler (as far as we know) Lisa With-A-Leer has been extremely popular at all the tournaments she has fished this year.
I told you it was a slow week.
But can you imagine the scenario at the first weigh in. First thing, we send them to a lake they have never seen. I’m thinking Crazy Lake just outside Alexandria, LA. It is a small lake and has few bass. It lies just next to the Red River and an insane asylum but is not connected. The biggest problem being there is no boat ramp.
First angler in is James From Ames. He has one small carp and a gar. The British judge says, “Eww, I say, bit more niggling and jiggling and better use of the maggots would have would have been splendid. However, overall smashing job even though neither of the fish you caught qualify. Off you go.”
Butch Cassidy is a bit more lucid. “Great use of the sponsor patches.” She says of Depro. “Very nice screaming but it would have been better had you caught a fish. By the way, where did you get your shoes.”
Bill Dance has a blanket statement for all anglers. “Gag me with a spoon! Stick a trident in my head. Hey Dog, listen up. You can’t just back the whole truck into the lake and leave it. And see if you can get this other judge to keep her hand off my tackle box.”
Well you can see the possibilities. Who wouldn’t watch a show like that? I can see Hizzoner as a guest judge and maybe even R.D. Not Campbell, though. He’d be prejudiced. I can see Walks With a Gimp as a possible host. Another possible choice would be the tall gal that chews baccy and speaks no understandable English. I think her first name is Hayou.
And I was thinking one week, we might have a total panel of guest judges. I was thinking medical community. For example, we could have my personal gynecologist, Kay Mitchell and maybe my go-to guy, Brian Hughey and of course, just for a dose of personality and touch of Cajun flavor, my new ear doc, John Tate. They could give their medical opinions and then file the insurance.
When everybody was done and judging over, the winner would get $300 and a new truck from Two Rivers Ford. Loser has to fish with Ichanellie.
Meanwhile, Sig is in the lead in the crab business, Hugh is still cussing the ice and another $35,000 has been spent on enhancements by the housewives of Orange County. And Big Bird and I caught something under 45 pounds of fish last week.
Oh…and I’m still deaf.

Constipation has ruined many a good day. Not as many as stupidity, though.

#1380582 - 06/24/09 07:13 AM Re: Just for Grins and Giggles [Re: bowriter]
RUGER Administrator
Bambi Killa

Registered: 11/19/99
Posts: 4106600
Loc: TN

I very well could have lost some hearing just reading that.

Youth is wasted on the young.

#1380839 - 06/24/09 10:09 AM Re: Just for Grins and Giggles [Re: RUGER]
Football Hunter

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 25536
Loc: Wilson Co/Perry Co

The best day to plant a tree,IS TODAY!

You wont know,if you dont go!

#1380900 - 06/24/09 10:44 AM Re: Just for Grins and Giggles [Re: RUGER]
14 Point

Registered: 07/13/05
Posts: 9016
Loc: Crossville,TN

 Originally Posted By: RUGER
I very well could have lost some hearing just reading that.

I tried to keep up with the rambling and tried to make some since of it. Can you repeat that again, cause I'm not going to read it again?
Tact is for people not witty enough to be sarcastic.

#1381071 - 06/24/09 12:12 PM Re: Just for Grins and Giggles [Re: num1medic]

Registered: 08/31/02
Posts: 42314
Loc: Lebanon,TN USA

It helps if you know all the people involved. Somewhere out there, right now, are a couple outdoor writers and a fisherman or two and some doctors plotting revenge.

Constipation has ruined many a good day. Not as many as stupidity, though.

#1382009 - 06/24/09 10:26 PM Re: Just for Grins and Giggles [Re: ]
TnDeer Old Timer
10 Point

Registered: 11/22/99
Posts: 3619
Loc: Hendersonville, TN, USA

" I thought of either Roland Martin or Jimmy Houston but I want people to watch the show. "

Funniest line in the whole story! Great job!
It's not rocket surgery, for crying outside!

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